Identity and Integration

Identity

Eadum Mutata Resurgo, or, “I rise again, changed but the same.” – Bernoulli

I first saw that quote in a book about Kurt Gödel, a 20th century mathematician and philosopher whose theories in math have found relevance in quantum computing and neuroscience, or something like that. Anyways, the quote has stuck with me for two decades and serves as a reminder still that so much of this, and who I think I am, will always be subject to change.

Until recently, I have moved to a new state every five years or so. Not due to work or military enlistment, but because that's just how life shook out. Through those moves, I started to notice the subtle differences that can end up vastly changing cultures that are only a few hours drive apart geographically.

In the American South, for example, information and gossip is king. A secret is best kept to yourself, as the prevailing belief is that to gossip about someone, even their misdeeds and behind their back, holds them accountable and keeps the community safe. However, that kind of behavior would get you ridiculed in the northern states, where people who share other's secrets are reviled.

Even little differences can cause a lot of problems in one's life, to be sure, but I've gained an equally valuable advantage by being outside cultural norms.

People from Texas aren't known for thinking first, they just jump and shoot, kick and fight. The gossip is only shared after there has been some kind of dramatic action meant to settle differences once and for all. But, in the American South, inaction and gabbing about one another and our families, is seen as a mark of power. Unfortunately, a century of this has led to economic stagnation for the locals, poverty and addiction rates higher than anywhere else in the country and corruption at every level of office.

All of that to say, the wider culture, and all of its flaws, does not need to determine who we are as individuals. Across the board, it is easier, more helpful and more beneficial to the development of our personal and social growth, to sit just outside the campfire circle. Be quiet. Listen. Ours is a species that will blind ourselves to watch the firelight and can no longer detect predators over the sound of cracking beer cans and shrieking laughter.

Remind yourself to step back from all that when you notice it. When the fire fades, the forest resumes dominance and in the presence of immutable natural power, one can really get a sense of how little, yet precious, they are. The woods don't care for words and force us to dig deep for another offering. Some sacrificial bit of introspection.

What we might consider our 'identity,' is often misrepresented as the sum of our beliefs, values, work, hobbies, social status, possessions, etc. Things that are not personality, or, how we engage with the world, but passive factors that guide the decisions our personality makes. The same factors that undoubtedly loom over everyone's mind and influence a large majority of our behavior. Factors that could be addressed or possibly alleviated if brought to the surface honestly. Good friends and family know to dig when we block them, because they have an understanding of who we are. They know when we are 'off.'

As identity is subject to change based on the needs and emotions present at the time, and we can all agree that people are so much more than these superficial labels, can we start to look more toward the root of it all. If not, we can't be stunned when people switch up on us. A large portion of us still live under and within the same rules, framework and protocol our parents built. And the rest are isolated from the crowd, but colder for it. A real grass is always greener situation between the insiders and the outsiders.

What we need to remember is that people are layered, but the outer layers are often little more than a manifestation of deeper drives combined with those expectations set upon us by our peers, friends and family. Expectations that, more often than not, keep us from pursuing our own happiness in the long run.

I do art compulsively, but I wouldn't call myself an artist. Some kids played basketball to feel in control, I would put down ink. Now, as an adult, when I hear someone tell me they are an artist, I assume they have some sort of business acumen in the art world and make some decent stuff. I don't imagine a quiet artist in a studio when I hear that descriptor. I think of someone who is a cut throat.

In the military, you never see two Chiefs talking to one another for an extended period of time. They don't hang out. It's not because they couldn't hold a conversation, but because they would each take away the adulation each receives as an individual chief surrounded by lower level staff. Rarely does who you are keep others around as much as the role you fulfill, and attention based on position rings hollow.

Inauthentic creatives are the same way. They make it about competition where real artists are usually more collaborative and insightful.

On the other hand, a role can allude to decades of integrity, or dishonesty. We can build reputations on boulders, or sand, and ultimately our sense of identity can be left to the clumsy hands of the people that surround us if we aren't careful to control it. What I'm finding is, people can abandon their hobbies, change career fields, lose and gain family, and become a completely different person, but the people they surround themselves with on a daily basis are the primary determinants of how they are perceived and ultimately perform in any given environment. This has held true in every place I have lived, from the American South to Tokyo. I don't like people to speak for me and correct them when they do. In communities where people rely on gab to get an advantage, stay silent and watch people struggle to control you. Keep your motives to yourself.

I wrote about recluses last month and still wonder how one might maintain sovereignty in an increasingly interconnected world. For someone like a hermit, I think most people would find something about their lifestyle endearing, attractive, or desirable. Not much reason to talk down on a human who's life revolves around solitude. It's admirable, authentic, and I would imagine at times, transcendent.

Without labels, we reduce the stigmas people can place on us. We are free to begin in an entirely different direction. Without descriptors, we reduce our drag. It's the same instinct driving teachers to request that their students wear uniforms to school to prevent bullying. Bullies predate based on perceived weaknesses and material possessions are a good indicator of how someone feels about themselves.

So, if identity is not in a logo, or a role, what is it? How can one nurture a healthy identity? Personality can be crudely described as what the public sees and identity the 'self' we describe, but how do we ensure that before anybody else gets their hands on the plans, our actions match our words match our vision and we are able to live up to that deeper sense of self? I feel very strongly that people are confusing the two and wondering why they don't feel as happy as the image they have carefully curated online.

The drives of the identity not integrating with the expectations of the personality, set against a global backdrop of immediate criticism, has us trapped. Living up to and refining digital profiles for the acceptance of strangers. Ghosts caught up in our own machines.

Integration

I do videography in my free time and I make about as much extra doing that as I do writing a fringe psychology blog with four followers, but I love both passionately. Here I can put down my thoughts, and through videography I can record what I see. Both capture what I value and allow me to share my efforts with you all, passively, without ego, unless I inject it in on purpose. Otherwise, I enjoy my little world. No competition, no labels. Just the weirdness and I.

Anyways, the bulk of camera work is in the planning and setup. I know to think about consistency, shots, and lighting, but those are not my strengths. I look for composition, movement, dynamic placement of elements in the frame, etc.

I will actively seek out naturally occurring elements that give me a little chaos to work with. Flowing water, leaves swirling on the ground, animals, traffic, etc. Those details that are inconsequential, but can become characters in and unto themselves under the right direction. I love when people are observant enough to layer meaning into things like that.

You'll hear director's reverse engineer that stuff too. Martin Scorcese openly talks about using oranges in his films because of how eye catching they can be rolling across a street, and not a single sequel, reboot or re-imagining gets by without some nostalgic homage to let us know this new thing is safe. However, that familiar lipstick is hiding an entirely different animal underneath. Same package, inferior product.

That being said, I think we are doing the same to ourselves through the last few decades of global inter-connectivity. We are now in an era where we are encouraged to live up to an online profile and allow our family and friends to dictate our lives from the other side of the country.

Not possible, and people are feeling it.

I think people do this with one another subconsciously and I think we do our best to live up to the image the world puts on us, rather than living up to the ideals we set for ourselves. It's hard coded in us to want to be seen favorably in our communities, but we are well into the digital age and despite the best efforts of the old-heads resistant to losing their way of life, gossip is increasingly irrelevant in the face of the internet.

How can information and secrets become irrelevant? Because like a game of telephone, human brains are screwing up the message and being proven wrong with a quick fact check online.

The old rules of authority are crumbling as old institutions of thought lose their hold. Ignoring the labels and boxes others would contain us with is not an easy undertaking it starts with setting some pretty heavy boundaries. We'll save that for a later entry, but be thinking about it.